Additional Gratuity: $____

Room service is notoriously bad. The food comes from the same restaurant next to the lobby that features such anachronisms as chicken cacciatorie. Once I ordered prime rib at a boutique hotel in San Francisco. You know -- boutique -- the kind of charming establishment that charges double the market rate, uses nineteenth century keyholes, and earns you points toward absolutely nothing.

The hotel had already automatically added 19 percent gratuity, plus a five dollar delivery charge. It was the space right under the subtotal that nearly made me laugh out loud. It read --and I am not making this up -- "Additional tip: ______." What additonal tip would be appropriate, considering I'd already paid $29 for a sinewy piece of overcooked meat and limp vegetables, and a square of cellophane stretched over my glass of house wine?

Don't forget - there's a 10 percent sales tax, so with all charges so far I'd already sunk $44. I thought of a really small amount, maybe a couple of dollars, just to show that I hadn't veered off protocol. Then I thought of a big, fat goose egg, as if saying "I saw the space and intentionally chose to give you nothing."